Author: emmeke

The joys of having a controversial story online somewhere

Day 1: “$character1 would never do that, there was too much violence and this would never happen in canon and blahdeebloodyblah.” – Signed, a reviewer. 

Day 2: “12 people left kudos and 5 users bookmarked your work.” – Signed, the archive.

Day 3: Rinse and repeat.


I was sure by now I’d become quite skilled at filtering out the ‘Happiness is a choice/Be grateful for everything/I’m an ableist twat who knows sod all about mental illness’ fuckwits before they could send me into a blind rage.

Alas… I just had to unfollow another one on Twitter. 

You know, I generally wouldn’t wish a deep clinical depression, anxiety disorder or post traumatic stress on anyone, but for that dim lot I’d gladly make an exception. Maybe then they’d finally get a clue.

They’re just bots anyway, right?

Either that or people simply cannot be arsed to read things.

Regardless; I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: is not for sale. 

Life as of now

Those sweltering hot summer days of 2016 where all you want to do is listen to Lana Del Rey and write fanfiction, and where sleep is but a vague memory.


Scared to go back to sleep after Yet Another Nightmare.

A certain British actor/comedian/writer/TV personality I still admired and respected last week would probably call this ‘self pity’.

I have arrived. Or not.

This afternoon, it was brought to my attention by seventeen readers I didn’t know I still had, that one of my stories from 2007 has been plagiarised and reposted to The Pit — that would be to the uniniated.

I don’t know whether to be angry or merely baffled. I also have to wonder: is the story really thát good or was Little Miss Copycat simply desperate?

Regardless. An abuse report has been filed. Hopefully the matter will be sorted soon.


It appears I can finally study German again without being triggered or constantly reminded of that school and that teacher.

I’ll consider this a small victory, even if it took twenty-five years… 

That afternoon on Twitter…

Unfollow all the whiners!


Obviously there’s nothing wrong with a good whinge if it helps you get through the rest of your day, but a constant, endless slew of snark and negativity… no thanks!

Stepping Out Of The Page

I needed a long time and many listens before I learned to appreciate “The Sensual World”.

This album seemed light years removed from the masterpiece that was “Hounds Of Love” and frankly, even now, I still feel many of the tracks — especially “Never Be Mine” — would have been so much better without the Trio Bulgarka wailing along.

Nevertheless, for gloomy winter evenings like the one we’re having right now, to me this collection of songs is just about perfect.

Hello from the other side….

(Sorry, I just had to.)

Once upon a long ago — actually, it was in March 1995 — I laid the foundations for what would eventually become a massive personal website.

In its hay day, the original “Music, Madness and Mayhem” (a.k.a. and later contained about 20 Gigabytes of all kinds of everything: fan pages for music artists, actresses, films and 80’s TV shows as well as stories, information about paganism and folklore, and even a personal account of living with PTSD.

For a long while, maintaining the site, though time-consuming, was a lot of fun. I heard from plenty of like-minded people, got lots of interesting feedback, both positive and otherwise. This place even won me a few prizes.

Eventually, though, I realised I’d created a monster that had grown far beyond my control.

Also, the internet was fast becoming more of a mainstream thing. For one, my favourite artists all set up their own official web pages. I couldn’t even begin to compete with those, nor did I want to.

Of course tastes change as well.

I didn’t remain a fan of some of the singers and bands I loved twenty years ago, so continuing to maintain a site dedicated to them just didn’t make sense.

Then, when a former acquaintance decided to use the mental health stuff against me and maliciously sent a bunch of people here to “go and look at the freak show”, that pretty much made up my mind for me. I didn’t need that kind of hassle in my life.

So I ‘vanished’, deleted everything, left this place in limbo for many years.

A few weeks ago, I decided to bring it back to life, not in the way it was — I can’t imagine resurrecting all the old content, most of which would be redundant by now anyway — but as a blog of sorts.

We’ll see how things go.